Monday, October 3, 2011

...Giving Everyone What They Want

I'm directing a kids show and everyone gets to do exactly what they want. Happy kids, happy parents, happy teacher!

We have one Mike Teavee, two Willy Wonkas and 8 Veruca Salts. I announced the cast list last week and everyone was sooo happy! Each child got exactly what she/he wanted.

And the blocking is whizzing by! The kids wanted to keep the script the same so there are just silences when any other (stupid) character is supposed to speak. It's great! The first scene is 3 minutes of silence, followed by a chorus of any Verucas that feel like participating followed by another brief silence and a quick hello from Mike Teavee. 7 minutes pass where the lame ass scene with Charlie and his family would be then it's off to the factory!

You should see these two Willys show Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca and Mike around! First they go to the chocolate room and the Willys yell at the air. Then they head to some other room. Blah blah blah. When Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, and Veruca decide they want a nut-cracking squirrel- watch out! Craziness ensues. Then Mike Teavee gets split up in a million pieces and the audience watches the Willys congratulate a boy who isn't there.

We do a lot of character research, sitting around, eating candy. The kids thought that would help them a lot. Last week the Verucas asked for my earrings and I had to give them to them. It was so sweet that they noticed I have ears.

I'm so so excited for the parents to come to the performance. Happy kids, happy parents, happy teacher! Stay tuned! I'll announce the performance of :

Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Veruca, Mike and the Chocolate Factory and Two Willy Wonkas and lots of Candy

Because that's what this is all about, right?
Giving the kids exactly what they want?
Because what harm could come of that, right?
Giving the kids exactly what they want.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

...Kathy Lee La La

It's time to play Name That Tune!
I'll type a song, you guess the title!!! (answers below)

TV Theme song:
DUN DUN dundundun! (doochookuchookuchookuchooku)
DUN DUN dundundun (doochookuchookuchookuchooku)
dun dun dun dun dun dun daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
da duh da da daaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
daa da da duh da daaaaaaaaaaaa
doo da doo da da duhhhhhhh

Gershwin/product theme:
Bum boom
dah dah dah dah duh duh duh dah da da da da da da da duhdadahduhdahduhdahduhduhdahduhduh

Oooh. You're getting good at this. OK one more!

Bossa Nova/Elevator Music:
La     duhdah duhda duh duhduh duh
Da    duhdah duh da duh duhduh duh

Tom Selick, Patron Saint of Quiz Show Answers

TV Theme Song: Theme from Magnum P.I.
Classical/product theme: Rhapsody in Blue
Bossa Nova/Elevator Music: Girl from Ipanema

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

...A Writer for Outside the Box Magazine

7 Great Everyday Uses for Otherwise Ineffectual Lite Tampons

1. Nail Polish Remover Applicator!

2. Practice Epi Pen!

3. Letter "M" Stamper!

4. Cotton Mouse for your Cotton Snake!

5. Joke Pencil (great for Nerds)!

6. Hygenic Light Switcher!

7. Owl Pillow Telescope!

Monday, September 26, 2011

...A Benevelant Stooptator

The entrance to my place is a door with a single step, sandwiched between storefronts. This little alcove calls to many as a smoker's safe haven, a homeless man's home away from home, a cell phone user's telephone booth... and I love it. Every stoop sitter is an opportunity for me to display my superhuman ability for kindness. Nothing is more satisfying.

I'll come home from a hard day's work or easy day's Chinese food pick up and see the stoop serf upon my door. I'll take out my key ring and smile with secret satisfaction at the inevitable interaction:

Me: This is me.
Stoop Dweller: (hurriedly standing) Oh sorry.
Me: No worries. You can have it right back. I just need to get through.

The shock on their faces when they realize who I am... the utter embarrassment that I should catch them sitting on my foot bridge... the humility they exhibit whilst collecting their belongings with eyes downcast... the surprised relief when I grant them stay as long as their horses need resting...

I am a person above geographical boundaries and status. I am understanding, patient, and full of ease. On a hot day once, I gave the homeless man a glass of water and a bag of peanuts. All I need to do to change the world is walk out (or in) my doorstep. I am benevolence incarnate.

And for this the dicks leave empty cigarette packs and fifths of cheap rum.

Monday, September 19, 2011

...A Surrealist

The following are excerpts from a docudrama* I'm working on called "This Past Weekend"**.  Hope you enjoy.

Budget Employee: What brings you into town?
Me: A funeral.
Budget Employee: Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to upgrade to the black Impala? The color is appropriate for the occassion and the extra interior space is good if you're transporting anyone.
Me: No thanks.
911 Operator: 911
Me: Hi. I was just hit by a garbage truck on 275.
911 Operator: OK. Are you alright?
Me: Yes.
911 Operator: Where are you now.
Me: I'm following the garbage truck. He won't stop.
911 Operator: What kind of car are you driving?
Me: I have no idea. I'm in a rental car. I picked it up 15 minutes ago.

My Grandma's Cardiologist: We are going to adjust her beta blockers...Wait. Is she in isolation?
Me: Yes.
Dad: For MRSA, yes.
My Grandma's Cardiologist (to the other doctors): Hurry, go put gloves on. (Doctors all leave room, return with gloves.)
Dad: So, you think it was the beta blockers that were the problem in the first place?
My Grandma's Cardiologist: Yes. She has 2 small valves. How old are you?
Grandma: 93.
My Grandma's Cardiologist: (Shaking his head.) Yes, see, at that age, there is nothing we can do. (To the other doctors, as they all leave the room.) Don't touch anything. Make sure you wash your hands. You take that home... that's a nightmare.

Mom: Oh my god I have dog poo on my foot. It is my father's funeral and there is dog poo on the top of my foot.

Voicemail from Dad: Hi, Mol, it's Dad. I'm calling to make sure you got home. I just put your phone in the mail, so that should get to you soon.

*fake docudrama created as conceit in which to list the weekend's events in dialogue form
** this all really, truly went down this past weekend