...A Surrealist

The following are excerpts from a docudrama* I'm working on called "This Past Weekend"**.  Hope you enjoy.

Budget Employee: What brings you into town?
Me: A funeral.
Budget Employee: Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to upgrade to the black Impala? The color is appropriate for the occassion and the extra interior space is good if you're transporting anyone.
Me: No thanks.
---
911 Operator: 911
Me: Hi. I was just hit by a garbage truck on 275.
911 Operator: OK. Are you alright?
Me: Yes.
911 Operator: Where are you now.
Me: I'm following the garbage truck. He won't stop.
911 Operator: What kind of car are you driving?
Me: I have no idea. I'm in a rental car. I picked it up 15 minutes ago.
---

My Grandma's Cardiologist: We are going to adjust her beta blockers...Wait. Is she in isolation?
Me: Yes.
Dad: For MRSA, yes.
My Grandma's Cardiologist (to the other doctors): Hurry, go put gloves on. (Doctors all leave room, return with gloves.)
Dad: So, you think it was the beta blockers that were the problem in the first place?
My Grandma's Cardiologist: Yes. She has 2 small valves. How old are you?
Grandma: 93.
My Grandma's Cardiologist: (Shaking his head.) Yes, see, at that age, there is nothing we can do. (To the other doctors, as they all leave the room.) Don't touch anything. Make sure you wash your hands. You take that home... that's a nightmare.
---

Mom: Oh my god I have dog poo on my foot. It is my father's funeral and there is dog poo on the top of my foot.
---

Voicemail from Dad: Hi, Mol, it's Dad. I'm calling to make sure you got home. I just put your phone in the mail, so that should get to you soon.

*fake docudrama created as conceit in which to list the weekend's events in dialogue form
** this all really, truly went down this past weekend

...Listening to Those Wiser than I

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
 -Benjamin Franklin

"Happiness is a warm gun."
 -John Lennon

"Firearms are second only to the Constitution in importance; they are the people's liberty's teeth."
 -George Washington

"Better a tooth out that is always aching."
 -Thomas Fuller

"The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned."
 -Maya Angelou

"A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or the others crazy?"
 -Albert Einstein

"One is very crazy when in love."
 -Sigmund Freud

"Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness."
 -Oliver Wendell Holmes

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open."
 -John Barrymore

"Open."
 -Neon sign on Conner's Irish Pub