...A Surrealist

The following are excerpts from a docudrama* I'm working on called "This Past Weekend"**.  Hope you enjoy.

Budget Employee: What brings you into town?
Me: A funeral.
Budget Employee: Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like to upgrade to the black Impala? The color is appropriate for the occassion and the extra interior space is good if you're transporting anyone.
Me: No thanks.
---
911 Operator: 911
Me: Hi. I was just hit by a garbage truck on 275.
911 Operator: OK. Are you alright?
Me: Yes.
911 Operator: Where are you now.
Me: I'm following the garbage truck. He won't stop.
911 Operator: What kind of car are you driving?
Me: I have no idea. I'm in a rental car. I picked it up 15 minutes ago.
---

My Grandma's Cardiologist: We are going to adjust her beta blockers...Wait. Is she in isolation?
Me: Yes.
Dad: For MRSA, yes.
My Grandma's Cardiologist (to the other doctors): Hurry, go put gloves on. (Doctors all leave room, return with gloves.)
Dad: So, you think it was the beta blockers that were the problem in the first place?
My Grandma's Cardiologist: Yes. She has 2 small valves. How old are you?
Grandma: 93.
My Grandma's Cardiologist: (Shaking his head.) Yes, see, at that age, there is nothing we can do. (To the other doctors, as they all leave the room.) Don't touch anything. Make sure you wash your hands. You take that home... that's a nightmare.
---

Mom: Oh my god I have dog poo on my foot. It is my father's funeral and there is dog poo on the top of my foot.
---

Voicemail from Dad: Hi, Mol, it's Dad. I'm calling to make sure you got home. I just put your phone in the mail, so that should get to you soon.

*fake docudrama created as conceit in which to list the weekend's events in dialogue form
** this all really, truly went down this past weekend

...A Six Word Memoirist: Today

I-phone alarm sounded like church bells.

... A Collector

My Grandad is a painter and a gentleman, a Civil War enthusiast, a lover of Chocolate milk shakes and oreos and a kind man. He is going to die soon and I'm sure it's for this reason that my mom googled him. What came up was an article that he had written for Reminisce magazine about his 1933 baseball card collection. He collected the cards as a kid, got rid of them, then as an adult worked to collect 239 of the 240. He still has the cards (including 3 Babe Ruths).

As I get ready for my Grandad to go I'm assembling my own collection of memories. I've got #192 the smell of pipe smoke and #2 a roll of Peppermint Certs, a #14 the time he tripped carrying me into the house, fell and scraped his hands,  #77 drawing lessons before school, the priceless #98 monkey face he'd make at the car as we'd drive away from his house and a #263 apology for not writing more letters. I've got the 1986 trip to Cape Cod and a rare 1998 "Pitch Proud".

I am so sad to think that my collection is nearly complete, but I'm proud to say that my Grandad was truly in a  League of his own.

http://www.reminisce.com/2011/08/i-organized-a-big-league-of-my-own-in-the-1930s/

...Interviewing JT

Molly's Facebook Celebrities!

Interviews with my friends and family (with answers pulled from Facebook)

Monday, Aug 15th  Jonathan "Jon" Thomas

Me: You recently bought a house in Michigan. How do you like it?

JT: Anyone know the going rate for a Bikram yoga class??? First class starts at 8 pm....up-stairs at my house currently about 110 and 100% humidity (guest instructors welcome)

Me: Yikes, sounds hot. You're close to a park thought, right? That must be good for the dog.

JT: Soccer practice = hot moms at the park....Ernie gets an extra long walk today.Pulled the classic dog park move tonight....pick up 'phone call' at first sign of squat. Good thing too...Ernie was in Frosty mode (original, not wild berry thankfully)

Me: Kind of a weird segue, but do you like Frosty's?

JT: Strawberry milk may be the most underrated beverage.

Me: I guess it is often overlooked. So, anything else of interest in the neighborhood?

JT: Really glad I don't currently attend a B'Ham Middle/High School because I would look like a complete d-bag in skinny jeans.

Me: Yeah, you're all grown up now, owning a house, retirement accounts...

JT: No better way to wake up on a Sunday than from an online bankin alert....yep credit card number stolen....cool.

Me: Ouch. Did you get the alert on your phone?

JT: Things my cell phone current can't do: take pictures, text, or make outgoing calls....cool.

Me: Geez, a stolen card, a broken phone... just you and this leftover Chinese food.

JT: So what does it mean when you crack a fortune cookie and its empty? Probably should stay inside tonight.

Me: Heard there's a game on.

JT: Washington Nationals...you spent 126 mil on an outfielder this off-season and you are throwing Livan Hernandez on opening day? Nice staff.

Me: Sure, the Nationals. The Tigers are your team, though, right?

JT: Picking up some Cheesy G's to ease the pain of that loss

Me: Any thoughts on other sports?

JT: Message to any and all who feel the need to put a 13.1 or 26.2 oval sticker on their SUV....no one cares how far you ran that one time......really, no one, except you. So keep it to yourself.
To the dude sporting the skin-tight LIVESTRONG shirt while riding a tandem....do me a favor and hop on the co-pilot seat because you aren't fooling anyone....we all know who runs that relationship.

Me: Hey, just because he's riding a tandem doesn't mean he's a wimp.

JT: so you are trying to tell me Bobby Hurley isn't soft? Right....that's why he is a spokesman for Dove+Men...aaaaaaaaaaah boy.

Me: Oh, I don't know. I 'm not even sure who Bobby Hurley is to be honest. Um, working on anything new these days?

JT: I need to find Ernie a friendly primate.

Me: And who's on your i pod these days?

JT: Ray Charles...real good.

Me: Sweet. Well, I think we're going to have to wrap this up. Do you happen to have any questions for my readers?

JT: What dickbag invented the fitted bed-sheet? Trying to fold it = me getting pissed after about 20 seconds and just balling it up. F.

Me: I will be sure to ask them. Thanks for the interview and enjoy your new place!

I'll be presenting Molly's Facebook Celebrities all week.

Make sure to check in daily. Who knows...the next celebrity might be you!