...Interviewing JT

Molly's Facebook Celebrities!

Interviews with my friends and family (with answers pulled from Facebook)

Monday, Aug 15th  Jonathan "Jon" Thomas

Me: You recently bought a house in Michigan. How do you like it?

JT: Anyone know the going rate for a Bikram yoga class??? First class starts at 8 pm....up-stairs at my house currently about 110 and 100% humidity (guest instructors welcome)

Me: Yikes, sounds hot. You're close to a park thought, right? That must be good for the dog.

JT: Soccer practice = hot moms at the park....Ernie gets an extra long walk today.Pulled the classic dog park move tonight....pick up 'phone call' at first sign of squat. Good thing too...Ernie was in Frosty mode (original, not wild berry thankfully)

Me: Kind of a weird segue, but do you like Frosty's?

JT: Strawberry milk may be the most underrated beverage.

Me: I guess it is often overlooked. So, anything else of interest in the neighborhood?

JT: Really glad I don't currently attend a B'Ham Middle/High School because I would look like a complete d-bag in skinny jeans.

Me: Yeah, you're all grown up now, owning a house, retirement accounts...

JT: No better way to wake up on a Sunday than from an online bankin alert....yep credit card number stolen....cool.

Me: Ouch. Did you get the alert on your phone?

JT: Things my cell phone current can't do: take pictures, text, or make outgoing calls....cool.

Me: Geez, a stolen card, a broken phone... just you and this leftover Chinese food.

JT: So what does it mean when you crack a fortune cookie and its empty? Probably should stay inside tonight.

Me: Heard there's a game on.

JT: Washington Nationals...you spent 126 mil on an outfielder this off-season and you are throwing Livan Hernandez on opening day? Nice staff.

Me: Sure, the Nationals. The Tigers are your team, though, right?

JT: Picking up some Cheesy G's to ease the pain of that loss

Me: Any thoughts on other sports?

JT: Message to any and all who feel the need to put a 13.1 or 26.2 oval sticker on their SUV....no one cares how far you ran that one time......really, no one, except you. So keep it to yourself.
To the dude sporting the skin-tight LIVESTRONG shirt while riding a tandem....do me a favor and hop on the co-pilot seat because you aren't fooling anyone....we all know who runs that relationship.

Me: Hey, just because he's riding a tandem doesn't mean he's a wimp.

JT: so you are trying to tell me Bobby Hurley isn't soft? Right....that's why he is a spokesman for Dove+Men...aaaaaaaaaaah boy.

Me: Oh, I don't know. I 'm not even sure who Bobby Hurley is to be honest. Um, working on anything new these days?

JT: I need to find Ernie a friendly primate.

Me: And who's on your i pod these days?

JT: Ray Charles...real good.

Me: Sweet. Well, I think we're going to have to wrap this up. Do you happen to have any questions for my readers?

JT: What dickbag invented the fitted bed-sheet? Trying to fold it = me getting pissed after about 20 seconds and just balling it up. F.

Me: I will be sure to ask them. Thanks for the interview and enjoy your new place!

I'll be presenting Molly's Facebook Celebrities all week.

Make sure to check in daily. Who knows...the next celebrity might be you!

...Grateful

On the day of my birth, I am finding myself very grateful for these, among many things:

Brooklyn Bagel
fresh squeezed orange juice
facebook posting my birthday and the many birthday wishes
7am yoga
actually getting up for 7am yoga
Defa Lucy
my very own owl
a well stocked bathroom
manicurists
2 Precious Roommates
my MacBook
The Bleyers
a gorgeous sunny day
D McC and my midnight beer
retrievals
spare keys and reasons to use them
a three day weekend
crocuses (this is not relevant to the past 24 hours, but I am always grateful for crocuses- thems the best)

...Teaching Subscriberspeak

A lot of new Theatre Subscribers are confused as to how they should act. As a telesales agent for a not-for-profit theatre company I get questions all the time. "Should I answer the phone when a telesales agent from my theatre company calls or should I just keep picking it up and slamming it down?" "Are there people calling me from the theatre or are they pieces of subhuman garbage that I should angrily berate?" Oh the questions! I get so many that I thought I'd just compile my knowledge into a few simple lessons. I hope you enjoy.

Lesson 1: Stop listening!

Sample Dialogue:
Telesales person: Hello Mrs. Schmidt. It's Ethan, from the New York Theatre Company.
Mrs. Schmidt: Who?
Telesales person: Ethan, from the New York Theatre Company.
Mrs. Schmidt: I don't like the Manhattan Club.
Telesales person: No, Mrs. Schmidt, the New York Theatre Company. You've been a member with us for 24 years.
Mrs. Schmidt: Oh, the New York Theatre Company?
Telesales person: Yes!
Mrs. Schmidt: Oh, I'm sorry. How are you Nathan?

Exercise: With a partner, practice giving and receiving Telesales calls from a theatre company. The telesales associate should clearly and politely repeat information while the Subscriber should practice mishearing information.

Lesson 2: Play Titles!

As a subscriber you should remember every play, but none of their titles. This is easier than it sounds. Let's practice! Beside each of the play titles below, write the Subscriber version. An example is given. Answers are in the back of the workbook.

example:
Title: A Long Day's Journey into Night 
Subscriberspeak: A Long Day Something or That Play With that Awful Mother

Title: Death of a Salesman
Subscriberspeak:

Title: American Buffalo
Subscriberspeak:

Title: Red
Subscriberspeak:

Title: The Vibrator Play or In the Next Room
Subscriberspeak:

Lesson 3: Condescension!

People calling you from a not-for-profit theatre company are probably in the theatre themselves. Though to some people it's just a job, to most it's a way to sustain themselves while they pursue their careers. All but the most financially successful thespians have other employment to sustain themselves. In this chapter you will learn to feign interest in the caller's pursuits, then chop them down with a single, well timed piece of condescension. To make this condescension sound well meaning is an art that takes years of practice. You'll find the exercise below a useful tool for daily repetition.

Example 1:
Caller: Alright, Mrs. Kowalski, I'll send the e-mail tonight with information about our upcoming season. My contact info will be in there as well, so feel free to call. If I don't hear from you I'll check in with you at the beginning of next week.
Subscriber: Well, you sound like a real college girl!

Example 2:
Subscriber: And what do you do? Are you in the theatre?
Caller: Yes I am. I'm an actor and a writer.
Subscriber: Well, good luck in whatever you choose to do!

Summary

Now that you've completed the lessons above, the next step is combining your new skills.

Excercise: Write a monologue in response to the simple question "It's Kellen from the People's Theatre. How are you?" use all three of your new skills: Not Listening, Misremembering Play Titles, and Condescension.

Lesson 2 Answers: Death of a Man , That Junk Shop Play, Artist Something...That Painter Play, Oh God- What was that??? (I Didn't Like That At All)

...Changing it Up

5 Things I Learned from the subway poster for The Change Up

1. Young women are as suggestible and easily entertained as infants.
2. Babies are super crawly. It's annoying.
3. Holding ladies is way more enjoyable than holding babies.

Ok, so it was just 3 things. Huh. Oh! From the trailer I also learned that women poop and that's disgusting. Ok, so that's 4.
Oh and it opened August 5. There we go. That's 5. Nice.

...High on the Hog

What you about to witness is currently parked on the street right in front of my building. I saw it on the walk home, picked my jaw up off the pavement, started to enter my house, realized I needed a picture, went into the street, noticed the owner was standing nearby, pretended to be checking something on my phone, snuck a picture with flash, came up with what I would say if the dude approached me before I got to my front door, came inside and uploaded this photo.

The Boobmobile.

This bike raises a couple dozen questions for me like:
Why isn't the wind acknowledged in this windshield painting?
Do the painted kiss prints mean that women worship the bike, the rider or the painted ladies?
How impressive must this guy's IRA be if he can afford to spend this much on a bike?

I would LOVE to hear what questions it prompts for you.

...Listening to Joseph

Hey there, my name's Joseph Scott. A couple months ago my supervisor approaches me and asks "Joseph, are you busy?" I say "No".  He says, without getting too technical, "Turn the button with your right hand." So I do.

Oh, what's that? Sure, I'll hold.

Hello? Hi there. My name's Joseph Scott. A month or two ago my boss comes to me, he says "Joseph, are you busy?" I say "No". He says "Turn the button with your left hand." Ok? I'm already turning the button with my right hand, but whatever. I do it.

What? Yeah, I'll hold.

Hi. Hello? Hi. My name's Joseph. I work in a button factory. One day, about a month ago, my boss comes to me. He says "Joe, are you busy?" Now at this point I'm busy. Ok? I've been turning a button with each hand in addition to assuring the quality of a million plus buttons a day which is the job that I was actually hired to do. Ok? But I'm a team player. I say "No." He says, get this, "Turn the button with your right foot." My right foot for Christ-- Yeah I'll hold.

Hi. My name's Joe. I work in a button factory. Two weeks ago, my boss came to me. I'm thinking this is some kind of joke at this point. Ok, sure as shit he says "Joe, are you busy?" I said "No." clearly being sarcastic. He just plows right through, "Then turn the button with your left foot." Hello? Hello!?! I'm on hold again.

Hi. My name's Joe. I got a wife and two kids and I work in a button factory. One day, my boss comes to me and says "Joe, are you busy?" I'm so sleep deprived from doing the work of 3 men 12 hours a day I said "No." He says "Turn the button with your head." Now are you listening to me? As my State Representative are you listening? With my head! Right hand, left hand, right foot, left foot, HEAD. No, I can't hold. I've been holding all my life. Do you know why I work in a button factory? It's not for my health, goddamn it. It's so my kids don't have to work in a god damned button factory--- Hello!?! Hello!?!

Hi! My name's Joe. I got a wife and two kids and I work in a button factory. One day, my boss comes to me. He says, "Joe, are  you busy?" This time I think he finally sees how much he's asked of me. How overworked I am. His tone is different, see?  He says, "Are you busy?" I say "Yes!" He says, "We're moving the factory to China. We're not going to need you anymore, man. We're shutting the whole place down." Ok,  so you tell me Representative. What am I supposed to tell my family? How am I supposed to tell my daughter that Daddy doesn't work at the button factory anymore. Daddy doesn't work anywhere anymore. This isn't some little game. It's not some fucking song. This is my life.

...Slowly Dipping a Cup of Coffee

BLOWOUT SALE! Had to do a drive by through Deals and Discounts this afternoon. Some would say I was delaying my trip to the gym by 5 minutes, some would say you never know what you'll find! I didn't buy anything this time around, but I did find an absolute gem. One of China's finest exports: Defa Lucy. It's a Barbie knockoff. No big whoop...that is until you read the packaging. Very big whoop. I hope you enjoy as much as I do.

"Slowly dip a cup of coffee at home. She feels so wonderful!"

"Blond hair, sexy pink skirt, sweet smile. Huh... That's Lucy!"



"Lucy's stylish suits, it shows up differnce seasons of beautiful style."
(Please also note the construction of the stairs in this picture)



"Lucy just wore up her fashion clothes, slowly dip a cup of coffee at home.  she feels so wonderful"
AND "Lucy, she's a charming girl,naive- elegant full of romantic with beautiful brown hair."

If you think this is bad, you should have seen Lucy's friend Defa Kate.