Thursday, July 21, 2011

...Annoyed with Immortality

The worst part about immortality is that your friends are dicks. They see your cuts seal instantly and your bruises fade from your skin. They notice your perfect muscle tone and remark on your incredible wealth of knowledge. Pretty soon, your friends figure out that you're immortal. And it's human nature, I suppose, to push boundaries.

A sample dialogue:
Me: Ok, don't tell anyone, but I'm immortal.
My Dick Friend: I know, dude.
Me: You did?
My Dick Friend: Yeah, you never get hurt.
Me: My wounds heal instantly, but I do get hurt.
My Dick Friend: Yeah, but then it just goes away.
Me: Right.
My Dick Friend: Do you think I could punch you?
Me: What?
My Dick Friend: Like, can I punch you as hard as I can?
Me: Why?
My Dick Friend: I want to see how hard I can punch.

And so I let my friend punch me and he breaks my nose and it heals instantly and we go have a beer, but it doesn't stop there. Soon, he wants to get into a fight, stab me, run my foot over with a carriage. It's always the same and I always let him do it. It fascinates him or her and he or she always buys me a drink after...maybe I'm just infinitely cheap. Eventually, though they'll take it too far.

See, I am immortal in that I have one memory, but I can die. I've died 2,487 times, actually and each time I'm reborn.  I'm instantly reborn, but as a baby! And though I have an infinite memory I have to pretend to learn how to talk and build my new muscles up to be able to walk and it's a giant pain in my ass. So by the time I'm actually able to socialize and my friends are old enough to deal with my immortality I'll let them do just about anything. I guess I'm just so grateful to be an adult again...and the free beer, that's really nice...and the pseudo, secret celebrity status.

I explain that I can die, but my wounds heal so quickly my friends just don't want to believe it. So, they take in inches

"What if we just shoot the arrow through your arm?"
"It says 12 grams will poison you, 8 will only stun you."
"Dude, the Black Plague is just a myth. Go in there!"

Inevitably I die and yeah I'm reborn, but I've got to start all over again.

Have I ever gone back and confronted my friends? Once, the guy's name was Bill and I said, "Bill, it's Sarah. You knew me as Peter. You pierced my heart with a sting ray, you dick." What'd he say? I don't remember. It was like, 250 years ago. No, honestly, I don't remember. The guy was a dick anyway.

No, I don't think I let people treat me badly, I'm pretty sure that people are just dicks.

Yeah. Ok, I've been exploring it for thousands of years, but sure, we can explore it in next session. 

How much do I owe you again? 150 bucks!?! Shit. You want to just punch me in the face and call it even?

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